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WHY THIS STUPID GAME?
Dating is something we're stuck with. Face it, we're driven to it. We wouldn't be here if it wasn't such a powerful genetic impulse. We wouldn't be here if our parents weren't driven to it. The act of sex feels good for a reason. And that reason is so you will have kids. Who will have more kids - etcetra, ad infinitum. That's it.

For this reason we'll put up with the completely annoying uncomfortable act of dating. And it is unpleasant. Everyone has incredible expectations. True love. Someone who will completely understand you. An idea of total happiness and euphoria. These distorted expectations lead to the reality of relationships. Misery. Nasty, belittling remarks. Petty cruelty. Rejection. Long nights spent by the telephone - alone. Incomprehensible feelings of overwhelming emptiness.

Amazing! What was expected to be so good is generally so horrible. So how did it get this messed up?

Love has always been brutal, but today the issue is confused to a degree that is unlike any other time in history. There used to be an approach to dating. Adults used to take a hand in organizing this mess and also kept youth from doing the whole thing stupidly. They would have chaperoned parties. There were events so you would get to know the person you were interested in before it became a confused groping session where both parties end up (the next morning) too embarrassed to ever talk to each other again.

You used to be able to move slowly and steadily toward a relationship without getting emotionally butchered. There was this idea of 'courting' that actually worked rather well.

But adults are useless nowadays as they all still think they're kids. It's pathetic.

A further problem is that the whole idea of being with someone has changed. It all used to be guided by the idea of getting married and having a stable home and kids. Well, apparently no one wants kids anymore and stability has flown out the window. At this point we're are all like a bunch of desperate crack addicts. We seek the feeling of sex and love - but we want it quick, with no effort or work. We want a distilled burst of it - and we want it now.

In our opinion all dating should really be looked at as the behavior of a drug addict. We are all in search of the purest dose of this drug. We want it packaged perfectly. It has to feel really good, and if it doesn't, we're off searching for another dose - hoping our next hit will satisfy us - and, of course, it never does.

You can argue with us, but we aren't listening. Experience bears this out - and people will lie (even to themselves) about what they want.

Well now that we know dating is a complete cluster-fuck let's try and deal with it in some sane way.

DATING
This is the problem, you take two people who want different things from each other, things that don't often match and you are going to have trouble. Somehow you have to get past this trouble and find some common ground in order to get what you want.

THE HORRIBLE TRUTH
Some magazine articles will tell you that you can go out with anyone if you do the right things, wear the right clothes, use the right body language. Well that's all a huge lie used to sell magazines. The fact is someone who doesn't want to go out with you - doesn't want to go out with you! Live with it. Someone who wants to go out with you will show VERY obvious signs. They will like talking with you. They will laugh at your dumb jokes and stupid behavior - they will see it as 'attractive.'

The main secret in all this is not to waste your time chasing what you aren't going to get. Honestly? You have to lower your standards a bit. If someone appears unattainable - they are. If you torture yourself you will only set yourself up for endless amounts of pain! Snap yourself out of it - don't be a moron.

THE HORROR OF MODERN TIMES
We live in a time where we can see the most 'perfect' forms of people all the time on TV or in magazines. We are bombarded night and day with the ideal male/female. And let's not lie about this - you don't stack up against Pamela Anderson or Brad Pitt. You don't. You can bitch that today's definition of beauty is false - but bitch all you want. It's not going to change anything.

So genetically, you got what you got. Learn to live with it. And try and find someone who finds you attractive.

WHAT DO MEN WANT?
Well, the obvious answer (because it's true) is sex. And men will have sex with almost anyone or anything. Inanimate objects, farm animals, the family dog. Whatever.

Men will have sex with the ugliest women, as long as it's made very easy for them- and no one finds out about it. That is key. Men would really like to have sex without any commitment. Unfortunately for them they usually can't. So they are stuck trying to have relationships.

And as far as relationships go, they don't really mind them. And in some ways there is the hope that they will have a constant source of sex from someone they actually want to have sex with! So they want someone attractive who will make it easy for them to have sex.

But there is one more complication. If you are too available - otherwise known as easy - they think you must not be valuable! The reason is, they think you will ALWAYS be available - so they will start looking to bone others knowing you will always be around if they get desperate. Yeah, this is sick, but it's true. The fact is, you have to tease them along, making them do a little work for it - until they want a relationship. This is a pain in the ass, but there really is no way around it!

We said this was sick!

WHAT DO WOMEN WANT?
Relationships mostly. Women who want sex without a relationship are rare and you are unlikely to find any who like easy sex and still look somewhat human.

Women want sex too, but the relationship is generally key. What a woman actually wants most of all is an escort, someone who will look good with them and that they can be proud of. Remember, women played with dolls, and one of those dolls was Ken, and Ken was not around for sex. He was there to take Barbi places - he was there to 'play' boyfriend.

To a woman, a man is sort of an accessory, like a purse, or shoes. If you want them to want you, you have to be a worthy accessory. That is why women like men who are rich and/or powerful. These men can take women out in a style that matches their feverish little fantasies. It is important to know that fantasy plays a key role in women's minds. Practically speaking this means if you aren't tied in with parties, people, money and cars you aren't going to get the hottest looking female. Another fact - live with it.

SECRETS!
Honestly, there really aren't any secrets. All of the below should be obvious- but apparently they aren't.

SECRETS FOR MEN
First off you have to loosen up. Try and avoid being nervous or using stupid pickup lines. They rarely work and really make you appear like a retard. The only guy's who can use pickup lines are the type that can bullshit on and on past that first 'line.' If you can't lie easily, don't bother!

Note to women: if a guy can use pick-up lines well - that person is a liar, and will have no problem lying to you in the future!

The most successful approach is to make friends with some women - any women. The women you make friends with are not women you are going to attempt to fool around with. You are going to use this friendship to meet all their friends - if you 'bone' the woman who is the access point for this, she will not understand that you want to bone all her friends too! So be smart!

The whole idea is that by being around in normal situations, the friends of your target woman will get to know you (hopefully you are worth knowing) and after they get to know you - there is the possibility to get something going with one of them. This is the absolute best (almost guaranteed) way to meet women and have a real chance at something worthwhile.

Don't fuck it up.

SECRETS FOR WOMEN
Meeting men is much easier from the woman's perspective. But it can still be difficult to get close to the kind of guys you are after. You can use the same trick spelled out above for the men. Make friends with some guys and meet their friends. The only problem is that men don't understand the term 'friends.'

In fact this is a good place to wake women up.

Men don't have female friends. They may say they want to be your friend, or that they are doing things for you because you are 'friends' - but you are not their friend. They are 'acting' like they are your 'friend' because they are trying to have sex with you. This is a fact. Trust us, as much as you think you are a wonderful fascinating, exciting female you really aren't so interesting to men.

The reality is men would always rather hang out with other men - there are no exceptions (unless the guy is gay). So wake up. Don't make us explain this, just accept that it's true!

If you can navigate the 'friends' thing properly you can begin to be around the guy you want to be around. Hopefully you will be able to transition this into a relationship. Obviously try and take it slow. The fact is, if the guy bones you immediately, there is a good chance you will never see him again. Men like to bone and run. They always have, your job is to train the guy not to run by making this all happen very, very slowly.

IF YOU CAN'T MAKE FRIENDS
You're screwed. Learn how. If you can't do this yet you are out of the scope of anything this article can do for you. This also means you better lower your standards - SEVERELY! Don't think the object of your desire will somehow understand that you are a wonderful person under a completely whacked-out, una-bomberesque personality. No one will ever understands how wonderful you are. This is not a very understanding world.

SPECIAL CASES

OBSESSION
Often we get obsessed with one specific person. This is truly a horrible place to be in. Because the more you can't have the person, the more you want them! This builds on itself to the point where you may prefer death. Have no fear, you are not alone. Most people get trapped in this situation. The only way the cruelty of this can truly be expressed is in the following diagram (misguided love-loop diagram).

As you can see, no one gets what they want. The sad thing is that this is typical! You have to get out of this mess. You must escape as if your life depends on it, and it does.

Think of the object of you affection and imagine them in foul situations. Like going to the bathroom. Yeah, this is disgusting - but that's the point. All human beings can be smelly and foul (it is obviously easier to imagine men doing something disgusting as opposed to women - but trust us - women can be pretty repellant!).

The object of your affection has undoubtedly been in the bathroom and released odors and sounds that could kill small children!

Try this, eventually you will be able to visualize it - and then you are one step closer to escaping your problems!

The second step is to be open to someone more attainable. When you see that person - the one you can get - use the same approach in reverse. Think of all the cute/fascinating things they do. Think how sweet and wonderful they are! You will now have some hope at breaking free!

DYSFUNCTION
This is when you have completely bizarre expectation of a relationship. The most obvious case is with women who go out with men who abuse them. These women more than likely grew up abused. They therefore find dysfunctional men who continue this cycle of of abuse. You often hear these women in these situations saying things like "He's getting better, honestly! He's really a wonderful person inside."

Well, ladies. He isn't a wonderful person. He's an asshole. And you are a psychological mess. Seek Help. Now!

Some men do this too, but from our observations, to a lesser degree. And the same advice goes to these stupid men who let a women torture them. Blow off the woman who does this and get into therapy - you are as much the problem as they are.

IF YOU ARE NOW IN LOVE
If you find yourself in love. Congratulations. This is a rare experience. Try not to fuck it up. Appreciate what you have.

To men; No, you aren't missing all those women out there. When you are going out with someone it may seem like all of these other women are after you! Women are (for some bizarre reason) very much more attracted to guys when they are with other women. It is some strange competitive thing.

If you break up you will discover all those women (the ones you thought you could so easily bone) have vanished like ghosts, and you'll be left alone, in your room - yanking it to old pictures of Miss November.

To women: Try not to be so bizarrely emotional! Guys do not fully enjoy emotions like women do, you will confuse and scare them away. Try and be normal, steady even in the throes of PMS. If you want to be weird, be weird in front of other women - they will, at least, appreciate it.

THE SUMMARY
There are no better guides than this. Stop looking at magazines with articles claiming some new secret about love. They are LYING. Let us reiterate that - they are LYING. They are just trying to sell magazines and have no clue about relationships.

The dating thing is a mess. But all of us are stuck with it. Being lonely sucks worse. In the end just try and find someone normal and stay with them. Don't have high expectations. No one is perfect.

And remember - neither are you.